Agents of Chaos
My youngest recently turned two years old. As I have mentioned several times in the past, there is a seven year age gap between my third and fourth child. Perhaps it was the pandemic, perhaps it was my older boys entering adolescence, perhaps it is a mental block, but somehow during those seven years I forgot what it was like having a two year old in the house. On an intellectual leave I knew what to expect, but on the practical level, the reality had totally escaped my mind.
While newborns certainly change your life and bring additional stressors and complications, they are comparatively not that challenging. They eat, they sleep (sometimes), and they need to be changed. When they are young enough, they are essentially just delicate, expensive luggage. You can take them just about anywhere, as long as you have the supplies. Two-year-olds, on the other hand, are toddlers. And toddlers are Agents of Chaos. I had forgotten this fact. Moreover, I had forgotten a few very important realities of life with these Agents of Chaos.
They Are Mobile
You want your kid to walk until they do. My two-year-old is incredibly mobile. Not only is he walking around. He is going up and down stairs. He is climbing on couches, tables, and any other piece of furniture. And, he is driven to explore the larger world around him. The problem is he lacks fear, rational thought, or any consideration for his parents energy level.
The two year old is afraid of any stuffed animal that makes noise or moves on its own. But, climbing up and standing in the bay window? No problem. His lack of understanding of what should make him nervous, and what does make him nervous is astounding. Look away for one second and he is dashing for the nearest street.
As I am in my mid-forties, I have had to make serious lifestyle changes to keep up with this Agent of Chaos. I get up extremely early and workout each day. I am in better shape now than when I had my oldest at twenty-nine. Of course, because I am in my mid-forties and getting up to workout at 4:00 am each morning, I am essentially falling asleep at 6:00 pm. A sleepy parent only emboldens these Agent of Chaos.
They Have Strong Opinions
My two-year-old has strong opinions about everything. Now, as someone who has a pretty strong, mostly uninformed, opinion on nearly every possible subject, I can respect this personality trait. However, there is simply no intellectual consistency on the part of a two-year-old.
They will yell, scream, and cry for you to give them a muffin. So, exhausted (you’ve been up since 4:00 am training for your epic showdown with them), you give in and give them the muffin. They eat a small portion of it. Then, they tear it into pieces on the plate, and start pushing it away. Logically, you assume they are done and take away the plate. Then, this Agent of Chaos starts screaming for the muffin back. Trying to appease the gremlin, you give the plate back and they throw it on the floor.
Two-year-olds have no idea what they want out of life. And, no matter how many motivational videos from Youtube that you show them, or how many articles on goal setting you read to them, they just can't get themselves together. They have no real sense of what they want, but they feel it is really important to get it exactly their way.
They Choose Violence
Two-year-olds on the whole are pretty small. Even a large toddler is pretty small compared to a full grown adult, or even an elementary school student. That being said, they do not seem to possess any sense of proportion or scale. They walk and act like Andre the Giant. Their actions seem to indicate that they have no fear of any sort of reprisal for their behavior. And, that actually makes sense given their tiny size and young age. Even a young kid, seven or eight years old, knows they are defenseless against a toddler. If the toddler hits them, and the seven-year-old strikes back, the seven-year-old is in big trouble.
Just this morning, my in-home Agent of Chaos was sitting next to his thirteen-year-old brother on the couch watching Mickey Mouse. Out of nowhere, the toddler turned and whacked the thirteen-year-old in the face hard enough to knock his glasses off. Now, the teenager was unhurt, but this is still not the behavior we want to instill in the toddler. I immediately moved close to the toddler and firmly, but calmly, said, “No” to him. And, then taught him how to make a proper fist rather than doing an open hand slap.
This proclivity toward violence extends beyond his interactions with teenagers. The real problem is that I am often on the deserving end of it. Given his height, he seems to enjoy either hitting or heading butting me in a sensitive area when I am not paying attention.
The one blessing with this Agent of Chaos stage is that, in the right circumstances, you can direct them at the other kids in the home. Older kids not cleaning up their room? Threaten to release the two-year-old in there to play with their stuff. Teenagers whining about not having any money? Treat them to some paid babysitting work with the Tasmanian Devil himself. Occasionally, you direct the mischief of these Agents of Chaos for your own good. But, mostly, they just make you age more rapidly.
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