Airing of the Grievances
A Festivus Tradition
I know the Holiday Season is often portrayed as a time of joy and unity; a time of togetherness and love for all. And, while I agree with that sentiment, that does not mean we need to ignore all of the things that are bothering us during this Holiday Season. As an integral part of Festivus, the founder Frank Costanza, included the “Airing of Grievances.” The Great Frank Costanza knew that it was not health to keep all these issues pent up inside all year round. And so, in keeping with the tradition, “I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about them!”
Themed Shopping Days are Ridiculous- Whether it is the original Black Friday or the newer addition of Cyber Monday, “National” themed shopping days are just ridiculous and need to be stopped. Obviously, at their core, these days are just attempts to get people to spend more money. And, that is the part with which I am fine. What bothers me is the attempt to pass these off as some sort of “holiday tradition.” For a while, Black Friday was becoming so big, it was cutting into people’s Thanksgiving. Stores were opening on Thanksgiving and retail employees were being dragged into work for pre-Black Friday (Black Friday Eve). That was just ridiculous. If I have to be home from work with my family, so should everyone else! And, Cyber Monday, as if people need an incentive to buy more junk from their phone. I am all for local businesses and cities to create their own traditions and themed days, but the big corporations do not. Stop trying to pass off a “sale” as some great tradition. (But, if I could still get a great deal on a new TV, that would be great.)
Peppermint is a Terrible Candy- Call me out of touch, but I believe candy should actually taste good. This is the reason why I detest licorice and Sambuca is essentially the only alcohol I don’t miss. Sure, two hundred years ago when Old Saint Nick was sliding down chimneys and leaving candy canes in a worn out sock, that must have been a hell of a treat. Of course, indoor plumbing would have been an even greater treat. We don’t spend every December trekking through the dark to an outhouse, so why do we act like Peppermint is some delicious treat for kids? If you have children at some point this scenario has played out. You are at some Christmas celebration and someone is handing out those little candy canes wrapped in plastic. Your kid (or, if you are like me, kids) get them. They beg to eat them. You know they’ll hate them, but you give in. And, what happens? Within thirty seconds you are holding several of the stickiest objects on earth in your cold hand. You search desperately for a trash barrel, knowing your hands won’t be fully clean of the substance until Valentine’s Day. And why does this happen? Because peppermint, while a good flavor for toothpaste, is a terrible candy for kids. I am not a big fan of government bans and prohibitions, but I would support one for candy canes.
Enough with the New Traditions- When did the Elf on the Shelf become a Christmas requirement? This was not a thing when I was a kid. But, at some point between then and when I had children, Santa and the Christmas Council got together and decided that everyone needed a spy in the home. Like a United Nations Election Observer, this Elf is present from Thanksgiving to Christmas Eve, silently keeping an eye on everything. And, of course, the little imp needs to move from spot to spot every night. I ask you, Santa, was this a necessary addition to our Christmas Traditions? The trees, the lights, the cookies, the carols, were these not enough for you? If you wanted to keep a closer eye on us, couldn’t you just sign an agreement with Google or Amazon to spy on us? The Elf on Shelf is too entrenched now, I know he’s not going anywhere. But, I beg you Christmas Council, no more new traditions. I don’t think I could take any more holiday joy.
Festivus truly is a Holiday for the Rest of Us. This airing of grievances really does fill me with the holiday spirit in a way that listening to “All I Want for Christmas is You” for the ten thousandth time never could. And so, dear reader, I implore you to do the same. Find something about the Holiday Season that bothers you, and let people know about it. The best gifts are always free, so give the gift of your grievances.
Happy Festivus!