As Seen on TV!
In classic fairy tales, there were often damsels in distress that needed saving. These were generally poor, helpless princesses who had been captured by a witch or dragon, and were powerless to do anything for themselves. They needed old Prince Charming to save them. Thankfully, we have evolved away from this sexist stereotype. This has led to some great female heroines in recent years such as Moana and Katniss Everdeen. This does not mean, however, that our modern culture does not have helpless individuals in desperate need of saving. Rather, those characters have transformed from damsels in distress into “the infomercial guy.”
The infomercial guy does not have to be a man. The infomercial guy can be a man or a woman. They can be young or old. They can be any member of our wonderfully diverse society, so long as they meet one basic criteria: they are unable to successfully perform even the most basic task. They cannot slice a tomato. They struggle to fry an egg. And, God help them if someone spills red wine. The infomercial guy has no talents, skills, or knowledge to help them survive in the real world. The only thing that can save them is some “As Seen on TV” infomercial product.
For years, the seemingly overly dramatic acting in these infomercials has bothered me. I always thought, No one can be as helpless as these buffoons. And, then I had kids. Now I know the infomercial guy is no mythical creature. They are real. I have several of them living in my house right now. The only problem is that I have been unable to develop “As Seen on TV” products to help them manage everyday life.
Here are three real life scenarios my infomercial guys have faced recently. My hope is that one of my readers has developed a product that will allow them to overcome these currently insurmountable challenges.
Fingers too wet to turn on a lamp.
We have some old style lamps that are not attached to a light switch, and you have to twist the knob to turn it on and off. I know, I know, basically caveman technology. But, the kids understand how it works. However, I had not considered the ways having “wet fingers” would render this outdated technology utterly useless.
Recently, I asked my thirteen year old to turn on the light in the two-year-old’s room. He was ultimately incapable of doing so because his “fingers are too wet to turn on the lamp.” I had to come in and rectify the situation and turn on the lamp. But, I still worry about him encountering this insurmountable issue in the future. Someone needs to come up with some new piece of technology to allow a person to dry their fingers after they wash them. Otherwise, my kids will be doomed to sit in the dark.
Raincoat unusable because it was left out in the rain, inside out.
We are deep into the fall soccer season at the moment. The days are getting shorter and shorter, and the cold weather is hovering just over the horizon. This means that a storm needs to be Hurricane grade or higher in order for a game to be cancelled. Completely understandable, it just means we have to dress for the weather.
At a recent game, there was a steady rain, and we knew it would last the whole game. I was prepared, and my nine-year-old (who was playing the game) seemed to be dressed for it. Long sleeve, synthetic something or other shirt underneath the uniform. And, a raincoat for when he was on the sidelines. He took the coat off during warm ups, but never put it back on. He was shivering and complaining about being soaked when we left. I asked him why he never put the raincoat back on. He informed me that the inside had gotten soaked because he left it “inside out, on the ground.” Tragic.
Can anyone out there invent something that would save my son from this tragic fate? Other than the ground, where would he put his coat? In the bag he brought with him?
Moreover, it is impossible to fix a coat when you take it off and the sleeves are inside out. Elon Musk or the My Pillow guy need to address this issue ASAP.
No towel when you get out of the shower.
After a nice hot shower, everyone needs a clean towel to dry themselves off. Imagine if someone just walked around dripping wet without a towel. Can you imagine the mess it would make in your bathroom if someone did not have a towel ready and then had to search through the bathroom closet while buckets of water fell from them to the floor? Given that we do not have a self-replacing towel rack, we encounter this problem all the time.
While all of my kids seem to have this issue, the fifteen year old has been plagued by it the most. He goes to take a shower, and when he goes to exit, No Towel! Now, I recognize that this could be the sign of something else (poltergeist or gremlin activity). But, more than likely, it is simply a challenge that no mere mortal can overcome.
What could a person do to prevent this is beyond me. Perhaps, with the advances in artificial intelligence, some kind of sentient towel could be developed. It would sense when someone is showering, and move itself into position to assist afterwards. Would this help to expedite the robot apocalypse as seen in the Terminator franchise? Probably, but it seems like the only reasonable solution.
These are only a few of the problems faced by the Informercial Guys that live in my house. If you have any inventions that I can get from late night cable tv for three easy payments of $19.99, please let me know.