Santa’s Unpaid Internship Program
Look, I’m not trying to criticize Jolly Old Saint Nick. The man does a tremendous service for the children of the world. He brings joy and wonder to the Christmas season. And, he has been doing it for a remarkably long time. You have to admire him just for his longevity and dedication alone.
Now, all that being said, no one ever writes poems or makes timeless holiday specials about one aspect of Santa Claus’s remarkable organization. Namely, if you are a parent who celebrates Christmas, you are required to participate in an unpaid internship for the man. To be fair, all adults, with or without children, are forced to participate in this program to a certain extent.
Again, I am not criticizing Father Christmas. But, I do think it is high time that we parents acknowledge our unpaid role in North Pole Enterprises. To that end, I am outlining three jobs assigned to parents in Santa’s Unpaid Internship Program. If this does nothing else, at least it gives us three additional skills we can put on our resumes and LinkedIn profiles.
Advance Prep
In the good old days, all a household needed was a chimney and maybe an old sock for the big man in red. He would swoop in, drop off a candied apples in the sock, and take off. This is the equivalent of the time the Beatles spent playing in the nightclubs of Hamburg, Germany. Like the Beatles, Santa has grown into a worldwide superstar of legendary status. His millions and millions of adoring fans expect huge things from him, and he does not want to let them down. This is where parents come in.
Like the infamous brown “M&M” clause in the Van Halen contract, Santa has certain expectations for his arrival. Some are simple, milk, cookies, and a few carrot sticks for him and his entourage. Others are a bit more intrusive, that ELFBI Agent on a shelf that monitors us for a month. Still others are more part of the show for the audience. The large, colorfully light and decorated tree. The individualized, but coordinated stockings, hung with care. Everything he needs to put out a great show.
And, who does all this advanced work? The parents. Let’s face, parents are roadies for the superstar Santa. You get none of the limelight or acclaim, but without you the show would not be the same.
Public Relations
Santa Claus is less inclined to attend a press conference than former NFL superstar Marshawn Lynch. In fact, Saint Nick avoids the media at all costs. On the one hand, this is an ingenious strategy as it builds him up as this mythic international man of mystery. But, all of this mystery also drives more and more questions from the children of the world. Given that he has a veritable army of elves building toys, tending to flying reindeer, and monitoring our every move, you’d think he could assign a couple of them communications duty. Alas, that is not the case.
Like advance work, public relations falls squarely on the shoulders of parents. When you have kids, you become Santa’s unpaid communications (and marketing) department. The process begins when your kids are really little. You have to introduce them to the idea of Santa Claus. Then, as they get older, you have to answer all of the questions about Santa. When they reach a certain age, it is like being the White House Press Secretary at a daily briefing. You are just peppered with questions, “How does he get around the whole world in one night?”, “Why doesn’t he wrap our presents, but he does wrap the neighbors?”, “Why is Rudolph’s nose red?”
To make this even more challenging, we as unpaid PR interns receive nothing from the home office. No daily updates. No manuals. Nothing. We are just out there winging it everyday. Trying to keep all the answers standard and consistent, and praying that Santa does not decide to throw a curveball this year.
Cleanup and Sanitation
While none of the jobs in this unpaid internship are that glamorous, this third one may take the fruitcake for being the toughest. As parents, we have to play the role of cleanup and sanitation after Santa’s visit. Again, I am a huge fan of the man and his work, but there is always a lot of work after his visit to get life back on track.
First, there is the physical cleanup. All those presents leave a tremendous amount of trash. Cardboard boxes, wrapping paper, and that endless hard plastic that goes around toys does get itself off the floor. Not to mention that many of these gifts will require assembly that can take hours. And, there are the unintended messes that inevitably occur. The hours old milk that was split in the mad dash to open presents. The coffee you dropped after the new remote control car scared the dog, and she came jumping into your lap. The cleanup will take hours.
Then, there is the emotional cleanup from his visit. After a year of waiting, the kids will realize that they have another twelve whole months to go before he comes back. This reality can lead to some upset children. And, then there is the wished for, but not received, gift. I can’t imagine why Santa didn’t get you the two thousand dollar Star Wars replica Death Star. Managing this can consume your whole day.
I think it bears repeating, I am not complaining about Santa. (I don’t need another reason to be on the naughty list.) I am just saying that as parents, we are forced into an unpaid internship for Santa Claus. While it is a part I am glad to play, I do believe there should be some acknowledgement for the effort.
I know people who work for the Red Sox, not as players, who received championship rings after their World Series wins. Maybe the big man could do something like that? A gold plated, diamond encrusted candy cane with “2023” on it? Doesn’t hurt to suggest it.
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