The Laundry Mystery
A Gimme A Minute Investigation
My house has a laundry problem. Dirty clothes accumulate at such an alarming rate that the washer and dryer are perpetually going. We do not and cannot have a designated laundry day. Every moment of every day is laundry day. Any break or deviation from these produces a pile of dirty clothes that threatens to consume our home. Of course, keeping up with these dirty clothes creates another problem. Mounds of clean and unfold clothes that need to be sorted, folded, and put away. All of this is an endless cycle.Â
I will grant that a family of six produces a great deal of laundry. However, I have been conducting a months-long investigation into the matter, and I have determined that the amount of laundry far exceeds what can be reasonably anticipated. This is wreaking havoc on the balance of the laundry department. With the situation rapidly moving toward a state of emergency, I have dedicated my precious spare time to solving the situation and setting it right. Unfortunately, despite my almost Holmesian detective skills, I have been unable to pinpoint the true villain and bring them to justice.
In my office/slash mudroom, I have one of those giant bulletin boards that you see in all the police procedural TV shows. There are pictures of the members of the family, with notes and strings connecting them to the potential laundry crime. To preserve the integrity of the investigation, I cannot share the board or the accompanying files with you. However, I will walk you through each of these persons of interest in the case.Â
Dad-Handsome, sophisticated, and well-dressed, he has specific clothes for each of life’s major activities. Work clothes, house-work clothes, gym clothes, going out for a nice night with friends/wife clothes (almost never worn), he is something between a man of the people and a gentile aristocrat. While this may seem like a lot of clothes, this practical genius has an intricate system for managing them to ensure that he is not overwhelming the laundry system. Clean clothes are housed in the closet or drawers. Semi-clean clothes are carefully arranged in piles at the bottom of the closet to ensure they are accessible to be worn again, but not contaminating the clean clothes. Dirty clothes are placed in the dirty clothes basket in the bedroom or, if that basket is mysteriously missing, on the floor where the basket is usually kept. Clearly, this is not our suspect.
C (14)- A fourteen year old who seemingly grows taller every single night. He goes through a great deal of clothes. Particularly since he has an aversion to wearing clothes, including pajamas, more than once without washing them. Certainly, he is a contributor to the laundry situation, but ultimately he does not explain the whole situation. Generally speaking, he allows the dirty clothes to pile in his room to excess before moving them to the laundry room. This makes sense given that the laundry room is an exhausting six or seven steps from his bedroom. This means that while he is producing laundry, his clothes are generally not being included in the official tally.
Clean laundry piles up. H (12)- A twelve year old who dresses like Walter White (credit to C for that one), H certainly produces his share of laundry. Collared plaid shirts, khakis, and undershirts can start to accumulate. However, his consistency keeps him from being the culprit. He does not just put on the polo for school, and immediately throw it on the floor when he gets home. He stays dressed for success all night long. His dedication to wearing business casual goes seven days a week, three hundred and sixty-five days a year. A young man so hyper-vigilant regarding his dress is not producing excessive laundry.
E (8)- His active nature and propensity for falling certainly put his clothes through a great deal of distress. Grass, mud, and God-knows what else stains are just a fact of life with this kid. His clothes are certainly put to the test, and his lifestyle could lead to several changes of clothes every day. BUT, the thing about E is that he is unfazed by any of this. In fact, left to his own devices, he would produce nearly zero laundry. He has to be practically forced to change his clothes. Moreover, when allowed to choose his own clothes, he inevitably picks shorts and a tank top (regardless of the weather). These do not take up much laundry space. While on paper he is a prime suspect, in actuality he is not. That is potentially a different problem to be addressed. But, he is the third kid and seems happy, so we are just going to roll with it.
W (1.5)- While he is still young enough to have his age counted in months, he is now a walking, willful creature. A drool machine who soaks through bibs and shirts with abandon, W was initially a top suspect. At least a few times a week, a critical diaper failure requires a full wardrobe change in the middle of the day. He goes through more clothes than anyone else in the house. However, the reality is that his clothes are tiny. One middle schooler’s hoodie is the equivalent to like ten pairs of baby pants. In terms of articles of clothing worn, W by far has the lead. However, the mass is just not there. He is not our man.
Mom- Her extensive collection of clothes would indicate that she is a viable suspect. However, these clothes are divided into two major categories. First, there are clothes for special (but rare) occasions like weddings, funerals, and the Kentucky Derby. These clothes fill her closet. They anxiously await the day they can be pulled out, worn for thirty seconds, and then thrown aside for something else. Second, there are the four or five items in her regular rotation that she wears, washes, and wears again. Rarely do I find large piles of her clothes. While I do not believe she is the culprit behind the massive laundry piles, I do have a second laundry investigation going. I have reason to suspect that mom purposefully washes everyone else's clothes but mine. Why else can I never find a pair of clean pants for work?
As you can see, while there is no shortage of suspects, I cannot crack this case. The laundry problem grows larger each day. Dirty laundry piles up in hampers and baskets around the house. The clean laundry accumulates too quickly to be folded and put away. The situation is desperate. People want answers. As head of safety and security for this home, I am dedicated to solving this problem. So, ignoring the basket of socks and underwear that need to be sorted, I will press on with my investigation. My working theory now is that someone else is sneaking into the house and leaving clothes. I also cannot rule out the possibility of a paranormal origin for all this laundry. Once I can determine the cause of all of this laundry, I can take serious steps to address it.