Airing of the Grievances-Festivus 2023
The Christmas Photo Shoot
“As I rained blows down upon him, I realized, there had to be another way.” -Frank Costanza, Founder of Festivus.
Festivus, the Holiday for the Rest of Us, is upon us. In keeping with tradition, this edition of Gimme A Minute will be the annual “Airing of the Grievances.” One year ago, I shared three grievances I had with the Holiday Season (Click Here to Read It). This year, I am going to focus on the Christmas photoshoot. Without further ado, I present to you, Gimme A Minute’s Festivus 2023-Airing of Grievances.
“I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about them!”
To be clear, I do not have a problem with the family Christmas card. In fact, I love them. It is great to get cards with pictures of friends, family, and their pets. No, my problem is with the process of creating the card to send out. While the technology makes this relatively simple for anyone to do, the people involved (namely the children) make it nearly impossible. It is the Christmas Card photoshoot that is really the issue. WC Fields once famously said, “Never work with animals or children.” Unfortunately, when it comes to getting pictures for the family Christmas card animals and children pretty much make up the entire cast.
My children are not entirely to blame for the struggles of creating a Christmas card. Some of this is clearly my wife’s fault. She insists on dressing them in coordinated outfits like they are some early ‘90s R&B group. Having grown up with the iconic stylings of groups like Boys 2 Men, my wife tries to have them coordinated without duplicating the outfits. She forgets, however, that Boys 2 Men had stylists and were rational human beings who understood that wearing an outfit for a thirty minute photoshoot did not mean you had to wear that outfit for the rest of their life. We don’t have that benefit. The pants are always too stiff, too scratchy. The shirts just can’t stay tucked in. The younger ones refuse to allow their hair to be combed. Instead of the coordinated plaid making us look like a New England Hallmark movie family, my kids look like supporting characters from The Hills Had Eyes.
Once you have them dressed, the problem continues. Most frustratingly, it is impossible to get everyone’s attention at the same time. Now, this is understandable with the two-year old. He is basically a wild animal at this point in his development. We’d probably have more success having a bobcat sit for a photoshoot then the two-year old. But, that is to be expected. The rest of them have no excuse. All they have to do is hold their pose, we take a hundred pictures, and pray at some point the gremlin looks at the camera. Simple, but apparently impossible for the older boys. They are either trying to “help” get the baby’s attention. Or, they are complaining that it is “taking too long.” Or, they are just wandering off because “I thought we were done.” Regardless of their reason, just getting one photo where everyone is looking in the general direction of the camera is nearly impossible.
Then, after taking thousands of pictures you mercifully end the photoshoot. As you look through the photos, you realize that your children are not actually human beings. Instead, they are space aliens that have come to earth disguised as human beings. From a distance, they look normal enough. But, as you examine the photos you realize they can’t be human. Humans know how to smile, but your kids don’t. In the picture they have the mechanics of a smile, but they somehow look pained. Also, they have no idea what to do with their hands. They have them either rigidly at their sides like they are facing the firing squad. Or, they are awkwardly position in front of the body as if they are holding an invisible guitar. Regardless, the pictures confirm what you have long suspected. These “children” living in your house are not humans at all. Instead, they are some sort of Martian likely running sadistic experiments on you to see what the mental breaking point is on a human.
At this point, however, there is nothing you can do about it. Not only have the kids changed out of the coordinated outfits, but some of those articles of clothing are missing, never to be seen again. The nine-year old is already covered in mud. And, the two-year-old is riding the dog down the street. (Hey, you looked at your phone for a minute.) So, you give up, choose the least troubling photo, slap a Merry Christmas on it, and order two hundred of them. Next year, you think, maybe we’ll do sweaters.
Happy Festivus Everyone!
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